How it starts

Today, my oldest ran by my side as my youngest scootered behind, sometimes in front. Going for a run with my two kids was never on my radar, and it definitely wasn’t in my earliest days of motherhood. Those days, exactly 11 years ago, were marked by so much newness, so much shaky ground. I wouldn’t have been able to say this with words, but my body held the questions, “Who am I and how did I end up here? Can I do this?”

If I had seen a mother run by, lock step with her 11 year old, encouraging her younger son to keep pushing up the hill, I would have assumed many things. First, that she knows what she is doing and is capable of doing it. Second, that she is unbothered in the experience and that this task is easy for her. Third, that this experience of motherhood is rewarding and life giving for her—so much so that she has energy to put into exercise. I would have assumed that this woman was, and always had been competent, capable, and filled with vitality.

I would not have accounted for the underpinning of relentless anxiety that kept her awake at night, even as her baby slept. I would not have felt the pain of her aching breasts, ultimately raging into a fever and total body pain. I would not have felt her isolation and the fear that kept the word, “help” locked up tight. I would not have known about the heartbreak she felt when she looked into her baby’s eyes and saw her own vulnerability staring back at her. And even on this day, 11 years down the road, I would not know about the daily practice of squaring with her inner critic and offering self-compassion.

And so it is with motherhood as it is with so many things: a great “both-and.” Because mothers meet parts of themselves that they never would have known if not for motherhood, parts that terrify and embolden them, parts that elicit self-hatred and pride, parts that are soft and fierce.

It is this meeting that has transformative power.

As a clinician, this is the soul of my practice—to meet people in their meeting place, where all the complications of life and relationships show up and ask to transform us.

Wishing you wellness and warmth, dear reader, in your unique transformative journey that is life. Feel free to get in touch, I’d love to hear from you :)

Until next time,

-Kristin